Snapper Talk

This is a place for an open forum on items and issues that interest us and our audience. We may list favorite sayings, life lessons, personal rants or even original poetry of the Original Snapper Snatchers. (like the example below).
We’ll also take submissions from cyberspace so send yours in to: the SS Webmaster

For all you old golfers...

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them. Naturally,the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf and consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots. With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it and I faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt." Before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25- year old Royal Salute Scotch, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.

The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to the her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

AGE WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME.

A Dream Come True

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman in a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches him and asks seductively, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
So she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, and after a long drag, says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"
She then seductively inquires "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"
Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"
So she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, then pulls out a flask, and gives it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swing, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"
After this she starts to slowly undue the long zipper running down the front of her wet suit,
pauses and looks at him seductively, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The poor guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Damn! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

Golf Balls and Life

A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some
items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a
very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled
into the open spaces between the golf balls. He then asked the students again
if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course,the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if
the jar was full. The students agreed with a unanimous --yes!

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table
and proceeded to pour the entire contents in to the jar effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," the professor said, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things -- your family, your
partner, your health, your children, your friends, your
favorite passions --things that if everything else was lost and
only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your
house, your car.

The sand is everything else -- the small stuff! "
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,
"there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are
important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take
your partner out dancing. Play another 18 holes.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house,
give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really
matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer
represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show
you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a
couple of beers!"

Republican vs. Democrat

A young teenage girl was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat while her father was a rather staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA, but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because of all the studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of all her studying. He then asked how her friend Mary, who was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, was very popular on campus, and was at parties all the time. She often didn't go to classes because she was hung over. He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend who only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA. The daughter fired back and said "That wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing." The father smiled and said: "Welcome to the Republican Party".

Dilemna

Two SnapperSnatchers were out fishing in the gulf. The one in the back of the boat noticed a bottle floating by so he retrieved it. When he pulled out the cork, a genie appeared and announced, "Since you have freed me, I will grant you one wish!" Without thinking, the guy in the front shouted, "I wish this whole ocean would turn into beer!" Suddenly they were floating in an ocean of beer. The first SnapperSnatcher looks around for a minute and says, "What have you done! Now we'll have to pee in the boat!"

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "But have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation, and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then says, "Well, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, on one occasion I was weak, and was intimate with a woman." The rabbi smiled knowingly and said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." The dentist says, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." The man replies, "Yes, I know." The dentist snaps back, "So why did you come in here?" The man says, "The light was on." ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now." ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ A couple of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah" the other cow says, "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

Q--What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A--The rooster gets up every morning and clucks defiance. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ A man and his boy are wandering around a bookstore. The little boy is carrying a quarter. Suddenly the little boy begins to choke. The father realizes the quarter is gone. The little boy begins to turn blue. The father shouts, "OH my god, is there any one here who can help! My boy is choking!!"
A lady stands up from her coffee and comes over. She pulls the boy's pants down and grabs his testicles. She squeezes very hard. Soon enough the quarter flies out of the boy's mouth.
The man looks at her in astonishment. "Are you a doctor?" he asks.
"No," she replies, "A divorce attorney." ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ There was a family of 5, Mother, Father, and 3 Kids. They were very poor and had nothing to eat, so they had to eat grass at the side of the road to avoid starvation. A wealthy lawyer was driving by in his stretch limosine and saw them there. He ordered the driver to stop the car.
"Hey there, what are you doing?" he asked the father.
"We are eating the grass because we have no money for food."
"Well get in the car. We can go to my house and I'll feed you!!"
"What of my family? Can they come as well? Will you have enough?"
"Of course!! There is plenty for everyone. Hell, my grass is almost 3 feet tall!"